Perfectionism - The Dangerous Trap!
Just when I have something figured out, along comes another how-to-article telling me how to be or do something better or even change my entire life. No matter where I turn, I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough in more ways than one. I am not smart enough, not rich enough, not slim enough, not efficient enough, not pretty enough, not powerful enough, not "with it" enough and probably "out of it" altogether. That's me and it gets worse. In line with our education economy, yesterday's perfect diet is banned today and my car of the year was just recalled. My time-management is out of date and my writing achievements fade against the big authors. Yes, I am my own worst critic. Growing up with perfectionist parents didn't help either. It wasn't until their seventies, that my father could tolerate fingerprints on his freshly washed car and that my mother learned to enjoy a meal without matching table décor. Perfectionism is driving us up the wall or around the bend and neither direction is desirable. No wonder half of the population is on Prozac and the other half copes on some other crutch. We live under constant pressure to be perfect and expect nothing less from others. Intensely glued to information that helps us conform to some perfect ideal, we learn less about ourselves. Detached from the core of who we are, we show up with fabricated selves to gain approval. There is quite a difference between aiming for a successful life or relationship and trying to achieve perfection. Contrary to popular belief, perfection is not required to succeed in love and life. In fact, the perfectionism-trap has serious negative consequences: We feel our accomplishments are never good enough We don't achieve personal satisfaction We value people based on their achievements We believe doing our best doesn't cut it We take mistakes personally and hesitate to try again We are afraid to show our flaws We are vulnerable to rejection We do what we should, not what we want We set impossible to reach goals We are hard on others and ourselves We expect perfection of others We develop a obsession with perfectionism We feel we never measure up We fear failure in relationships and have difficulties being intimate We don't pursue a relationship out of fear it might not be perfect We become critical of our partners To sum it up, we believe that unless we are perfect success and love will evade us. The biggest cost of perfectionism is our neglect of the humble core within and our failure to claim a life in alignment with our true self. Instead of focussing on our qualities and all that is right with us, we are busy fixing everything seemingly imperfect. Driven to live up to the perfect ideal we become pretentious, self-promoting, critical human beings. Because of our focus on achieving goals, we never enjoy the journey of getting there. As a result we lose the irreplaceable moments of relating to people and doing things. Webster defines perfectionism as "a disposition, which regards anything short of perfect as unacceptable". The torment for perfectionists is that they never find anything perfect, simply because perfection does not exist. Instead they suffer from social and personal anxiety and strained relationships. To find peace, accept ourselves and nurture the best in us, we have to overcome perfectionism and: ·Use our mistakes as opportunities for growth ·Set goals in line with who we are and what we want ·Accept ourselves as human beings with flaws ·Give a little less than 100% and still experience success ·Enjoy the journey instead of just focussing on the goal ·Recognize that anxiety arises when we set unrealistic goals ·Understand that we get more done and feel better about ourselves if we don't strive for perfection. ·Give up the irrational belief that relationships must be perfect
·Stop second guessing ourselves ·Be compassionate with ourselves and our partners Thousands of people give less than 100% to a goal, but 100% to the journey and succeed. Everyday people don't give all they've got, but still get done what they need to. If we try to give 100 % to everything we do, we never get enough done. Perfectionists operate on the assumption that unless they can give 100 % to a task, they won't even start. As a result, they become occupied with trivial details and put off tasks until they can make a 100% effort. Perfectionists tend to be procrastinators with endless to-do lists and dreams put on hold until "some day." When it comes to relationships, perfectionists don't do that well either. Single perfectionists keep on dating without making a choice, thinking someone more perfect will be around the corner. When they are in a relationship, the fear that it might not be perfect, keeps their relationships from progressing. Even when they finally settle with a partner, second-guessing their choice and being critical of their partner ensures frustrating relationships. Compromise in love as well as in life is difficult for them. Perfectionists pay a high price for the misguided belief that choosing the right love partner will guarantee a perfect relationship. The entire perfectionist-trap becomes a vicious cycle in life and love. The more we attempt to be perfect in every area, the more anxious we get. This anxiety is coupled with a feeling of always falling short or behind. Consequently we concentrate on what is wrong with us or what we didn't do. While doing our very best is admirable, more often than not, doing a good job is enough. The truth is that we are always half-cooked human beings in transition. Nobody will love us any more just because we are more perfect. We are being loved for the passion and spirit we bring to the table as genuine human beings. © 2005 Allie Ochs Allie Ochs, Relationship Expert, Coach, Speaker and Author of: Are You Fit To Love? http://www.fit2love.com for FREE relationships and life advice e-mail: allie@fit2love.com
Related News
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Business Ideas ? Need a New Idea? Try Changing Your Perspective
One definition of creativity states that creative people look at
the same thing everyone else does, yet they see something
no one else does.
Knowledge Gains in Innovation
Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation whilst innovation can be defined as idea selection, development and commercialisation.
Change Is a Skill Development Learning Process
Change, like almost every other life experience, is a learning process. With each new idea or situation comes the need to learn about it?what is it? How does it work? How do I fit in? What are the good and bad aspects of it? So let's talk for a moment about the process of learning.
LEARNING is a lifelong process. It neither starts nor ends with formal schooling. In fact, school mostly teaches us how to learn. Experience teaches us what we need to know, but it's up to us to go out there and get the knowledge and the information. Change is a learning experience (if you let it be). So here are the four skills you'll need and some questions for you to answer.
Success Tip From Yachting - Try To Fix The Problem Yourself
At 28, Ellen MacArthur is a world record holder. In 2005, she broke the speed record for sailing solo non stop around the world.
Process Innovation
Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation whilst innovation can be defined as idea selection, development and commercialisation.
Can We Change People?
There was a class of "challenged" children and many teachers were brought in over time but each one ended up quitting in frustration. Finally, a teacher was brought in and a miracle happened. That class of students ended up becoming a group of happy, well- behaved and good students. What happened?
Learn To Trust That Gut-Feeling
It just might save your life
Use Your Intuition As a Valuable Tool for Change
Here's a subject that we don't normally think of when we think about change. Yet, intuition can be a very powerful force for change if we honor it fully. So let's take four minutes to look at intuition. First we'll look at what it isn't, then at what it is, then at just how it relates to change in our lives.
Techno Witch II - Magick With Your PC
You've heard of applied science, well how about applied Magick. The personal computer is just a tool after all, so in theory you should be able to apply the ancient traditions to the modern ways. Here are a few ways that I think you can use your PC to practice metaphysics.
Life ? The Teacher
You've probably heard the phrase "repetition is the mother of learning" well apparently it's also the mother of teaching. Often it seems, Life ? The Teacher uses the tool of repetition to imprint into our brains the lessons it's needing to impart to us. At least this has been my experience.
Innovation Management: Trying Out New Ideas
Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation whilst innovation can be defined as idea selection, development and commercialisation.
Business Innovation ? Small Changes, Big Effects
Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation whilst innovation can be defined as idea selection, development and commercialisation.
Do You Need A Business Plan If Your Idea Is New, Untested, or Unproven?
Who Should Read This Article?
Befriend Your Budget, This Yuletide and Always
It is that time of year again. Yuletide?Christmas in the air. Nostalgia, goose pimples and casting off all financial discipline. It was originally meant to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ. Joy to the world, and good will to all men?
Solve Problems With A Word List
To creatively solve problems you need to get your mind looking in new directions. You can systematically do this by using a list of words, primarily adjectives, to create "what if?" scenarios. You start with the question, "what if it was..." and then insert a word from the list. The "it" in the question is the problem you're trying to solve, or the solution or situation that exists now.
Three Step Problem Solving
How do you like to solve your problems? Do you prefer to use the more creative problem solving techniques, or the systematic ones? You'll get the best of both with the add-subtract-change method.
Facing a Resource Crunch? Read On!
Recently I read an excerpt from a new business innovation book wherein the author went to great lengths to instill the need to provide sufficient resources for every innovation effort, without which the effort would be almost certain to fail. The cited leadership's frequent failure to ensure adequate resources as the single most important reason for innovation failures.
Putting Your Ideas Into Action
Ideas are everywhere. Some are small and seemingly insignificant. Others are big giant ideas with the chance to change large portions of our lives. Each idea that we encounter, whether we create the idea, synthesize it from somewhere else, or hear it, is a possible opportunity.
Choosing a Winning Business Idea
You've probably heard it a hundred times by now - if you want to make alot of money with an online business you have to offer your own product or service. Well, make that a hundred and one times...
Business Innovation ? the Value of Being Obvious
Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation whilst innovation can be defined as idea selection, development and commercialisation.
|
